CommentsDevious Comments reading what you wrote 3 times,
i've come to realize that you appear to have a good background on this. your citique is more than i'd ever want, wether you were fair or not,i would'nt know because , this is my first attempt to ever write in this language ever. im not making excuses,but i DON'T know the corrections i have to make,i don't. and this work is not the result of dreams getting shattered , or hurt from beloved ones,i have no story to write this this is just a flow form my soul to a paper in a particular moment im a paticular state of mind, though i've found,my believes are deep,deep inside i needed to let go,and reach that dark,messy acean and this was the result, so,to tell you thanks,so that you really deserve it, i wish you help me through organising it there i'll be grateful,.. though i dont expect you to. -- ~Everybody lies,,  Yes I thought English might be a second language. I think you author did a very good job expressing herself. I think the critique was fair and unfair for that reason.
 As far as structure and organization... that really is up to the individual poet, but perhaps some form of consistent syllable emphasis or syllable count, throw in some alliteration and pay attention to the hard/soft sounds being used it various parts of the poem to help shape the tone... stuff like that. Not that I am a poet extraordinaire...  -- ...be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger... that should have read "I think the author,..."
-- ...be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger...  If it's your first attempt you dd far better than I would have
Don't think I'm attacking you or anything, I like the piece..I wouldn't comment on it if I thought it was bad or anything...if you'd like I can go through and just point out a couple things.of course you can igoe whatever you feel like, it's mainly redundancies that are the issue, using three comma's in a row just ends up looking cluttered...if this is your first piecein English, damn...good work, you're more skilled than I -- Andrew Hussey "For a sorcerer, reality, or the world we all know, is only a description that has been pounded into you from the moment you were born." -Carlos Castaneda I tink it'd have been fair in general, but from th mindset that it's the person's first engish work, I feel sort of bad now...didn't realize that unti after the fact
-- Andrew Hussey "For a sorcerer, reality, or the world we all know, is only a description that has been pounded into you from the moment you were born." -Carlos Castaneda you know,now i have a smile that starts from my right ear to the left..really!!
but,i so much hate self celebratings,i hate them. so i'll draw that frown back,thanks for the smile. well.yes,i speak arabic.i suck at english in all levels.we do have english classes at school.and i always take,umm,2/10..in good cases. though,being crazy,as what my mother says,i'm planning on studying English at college,majoring and being an english teacher, i always tend to go for what i suck in the most,crazy is who iam i really would appreciate you to go the harshest possible you can, i learnt that one can't learn unless in pain, just kidding!!  go a head,please..teach me.. i've been reading your work,journals,the very past ones you killed me!!i sometimes need to read what you write 7 times to start understanding,it's rediculaslly smart,more than this brain i hold contains. i don't care if you like what i write,the world doesnt spin around me to care about me, but i care so much if you're intersted in attacking me. so much intersted.'cuz,there i know you're being honest there i know it's not only about me. go,,kill me!! you're too good,i'd love to drop dead under your words go ahead. -- ~Everybody lies,, Well no. Don't feel badly! I mean you pointed out where her poetry could be strengthened! I am sure she just learned something about writing poetry in English.
-- ...be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger... I do try...I remspect what most are trying...but I try to be honest in critiques...otherwise I'd just post a comment
-- Andrew Hussey "For a sorcerer, reality, or the world we all know, is only a description that has been pounded into you from the moment you were born." -Carlos Castaneda Don't think of it as an attack dear...this is a sort of testing groun...when you open a piece to critique, you're asking for hard-line reading...I always try to be respectful, and I did love your piece...but those were just some ideas I thought may work if you feel like it...of course it's poetry, so feel fee to completely ignore it . And thank you for the compliment...I don't know if "smart" fits...I guess I'm smart in my own way, but it's my mouth...I can talk rings around just about anyone...make even silly ideas seem reasonable. That was one of my few inborn talents, the ability to speak, and do so convincingly well...
-- Andrew Hussey "For a sorcerer, reality, or the world we all know, is only a description that has been pounded into you from the moment you were born." -Carlos Castaneda |
Site Map
©2009 deviantART. All rights reserved
"To those human beings who are of any concern to me I wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities - I wish that they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self-contempt, the torture of self-mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished: I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not - that one endures."
This poem expresses the general ennui we live with, in particular during those disillusioning periods during our youth in which fantasies of the past are shattered by the realization of the coldness of reality, and the viciousness of self mistrust.
Overall the concept, while somewhat cliche, the major issue with this work isn't the content, (though moments of repeating concepts do tend to become redundant after some bit) but the punctuation. To use multiple exclamations to convey extreme statements is one thing, but there seems little need to intersperse those with oddly placed comma's in the areas ellipses would normally be reserved for.
While the work is nice, taking the time to go over the piece and correct, or at least organize said punctuation into something a bit more flowing would greatly help the quality.